Always
by DocBevCulver
Summary: Beverly comes to a conclusion about her and JeanLuc's relationship together.


Title: Always  
  
Author: DocBevCulver  
  
Series: TNG  
  
Codes: P/C Angst  
  
Parts: 1/1  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Disclaimer: "Always" is owned by October Project. Paramount owns the characters. I just claim the story.  
  
Author's Notes: Thanks go to my beta readers, Karen8, Zoinky, jds, and Sandi! Thanks gals. :D   
  
As always, thanks to my friends in the chat that listen to me moan and groan about not getting my stories finished. * Waves to TheBevster and TrexPhile and her beta readers *   
  
Also, thanks to TrexPhile for getting me hooked on October Project and while listening to the song "Always" I got inspired. So, thanks to Karen for reminding me why I started writing this story. Yes, I borrowed the song title for the title of the story. :D  
  
Now, on to the story, angst warning!   
  
  
  
I can see him - standing by the small stream that runs through the tiny village of Ba'ku. There's a faint smile upon his face and I wonder if that smile is for his thoughts of Anij, or if it's for my approach.  
  
I chastise myself for thinking such things, for it's my fault that he is in another woman's arms and not in mine. But the pain doesn't go away with my little admission.  
  
I walk slowly towards him, hands clasped together behind my back, smiling back at him as his stance relaxes.  
  
"Hey," I say softly as I come to stand next to him.  
  
"Hello," he replies, reaching for my hand as I bring them foreword.  
  
At his touch I can fell the familiar electricity jump form his hand to mine, causing me to shiver.  
  
Growing concerned he ask, "Are you cold?"  
  
The air is a little chilly, but I know it's not from the cold, "Maybe a little, but I'm fine."   
  
He smiles as he squeezes my hand and leads me back to the village.   
  
The touch of his hand in mine is so warm. Although I fear to keep it there, I yearn for it. To feel his hands on my body, finding all the places that make me want him more. Maybe, still I can't push the fear away, take the leap, and just be with him. I want to feel his warm touch in a more personal manner, more then just mere friends holding hands.   
  
Why can't I get past this fear and go with my feelings? Maybe it's because he has never actually spoken the words, 'I love you,' out loud. I was only able to hear them - due to the implants on Kes-Prit. Maybe it's my fear of losing him once we take the final step. Maybe...there are a lot of maybes'...just not enough courage on my part.  
  
I can see Anij's cabin as we near it and feel the lump start to form in my throat. I don't hate her. In fact, I like her. I just detest myself for not doing what she can so easily, so openly - love Jean-Luc Picard.  
  
I might have been more open, more honest with myself, if he hadn't walked away that night. It was so long ago, but I can remember it as if it were yesterday.  
  
***********************************************************  
  
He was in his uniform; it was a year or so after Jack's death. I was still mournful, but I knew that if I spent just a little time with him, my mood would be lighter.  
  
He ignored me. I was hurt, badly.  
  
Looking back now, I understand why he shied away from me. Jack wasn't there to keep Jean-Luc feelings under wraps and I was in need of comfort and I wanted it from him.  
  
I knew I was attracted to him from the start, but I only had suspicions about how he felt about me. He always had that damn stoic expression on his face when we were alone. He never looked me in the eyes when we were alone and always made certain NEVER to touch me even in the most innocent way, unless he was protected by the presence of others.  
  
But that night, the night that he left and never came back, that hurt the most. I thought I had pressured him too hard. After all, I had approached him. I knew I hadn't had too much to drink, but he was so close and smelled so wonderful. My hormones were racing, my heart pounding in my chest, and that familiar warmth flooded my belly.  
  
He shrugged me off and fled the room like I was to hot to the touch and I was hurt that he didn't find me as attractive as I found him.  
  
Of course, I know differently now, but I was full of emotions at that time. So I closed myself off. Wouldn't allow anyone into my heart again. I became an Ice Queen.  
  
**************************************************************  
  
I shook a little of the ice off when Odan came aboard the Enterprise, but even he couldn't break the entire surface of the ice I had formed on my heart.  
  
As always, Jean-Luc was there to take care of me. He held me while I cried over the loss of Odan, just as he had, the night he after Jack died. I thought we might have a chance again, that I might be able to open my heart again. But that same stoic mask covered his face. He was only there as a friend. I didn't want a friend, so the ice formed again over my heart.  
  
Then there was Ronin. He knew all the right places to touch, could dive within me see the ice. He tried to break it, tried to melt it away. He nearly succeeded and I wanted him to. I was so tired of being alone, so tired of the ache deep within me. But Jean-Luc showed up once again. I thought he had come to show me that he loved me, that he needed me as much as I needed him. But that same, damned stoic mask appeared. He was only worried about me as a friend, as a colleague...as a member of his crew.   
  
I wanted him to bust the door down, sweep me up in his arms, and tell me that he loved me and only me. I wanted him to fight for me, just once. But no, I didn't get that. I got the caring friend.  
  
It's just so frustrating. I truly cherish his friendship, but I want more. I want his love. I want him sleeping next me.  
  
Sometimes, my wants are so strong that I can't breath. I can't feel, and I shudder at the thought of being alone, without him.  
  
Then there was Kes-Prit. When I spoke of Jack, I heard his thoughts and tears began to form in my eyes. Finally, I knew the truth and I called him on it. I know I told him that there was an attraction and I wasn't lying. At first, I only had an attraction for his body. It was later, that I realized that I had more than physical for him. I could feel the ice starting to break away, but then it reformed with his next words. "I began to realize, that I no longer had those feelings anymore."  
  
I knew I had to say something. I didn't want to loose the friendship. It at least gave me an excuse to keep him close, and I told him this. Then I decided I couldn't take it any longer and went to sleep. Later, after I pushed him through the force field, I let him see just of taste of what I felt, reminded him of the night he thought I had too much to drink and was just using him. I let him see that I wasn't drunk, but wanted him and only him.   
  
Once on the Enterprise and alone in his cabin, I had hoped and prayed he would say the words. Just three simple words, but he didn't. He just assumed I knew how he felt, but I needed to hear them come from his own mouth. I needed him to show me. When he didn't, I knew I couldn't let the ice down. I didn't want to be hurt again, so I walked away.  
  
I know I hurt him, but he did the same to me so long ago. I know that wasn't a very adult thing to do, but I had to give him the same treatment he gave me.  
  
*****************************  
  
Now, here I am, sitting on the couch of his future wife, mourning over things that I could have changed if I had only been strong enough. If I had just gone after him that night 20 years ago, or told him after Odan left, even after Ronin. Dammit...if I had just stayed that night after Kes-Prit. But I didn't and the Ice Queen I will remain.  
  
Tomorrow, I'll watch him take her hand and promise forever. I'll loose him and never have the chance again.  
  
Maybe someday, I'll be free and able to love again, but not today.  
  
November 15, 2000  
  
"Always" By October Project  
  
I have come to know you  
Over all these years  
We've seen many days come and go  
After all this time we've shared  
All the secrets told  
Will you ever say I love you  
  
If you gave me nothing  
Nothing more than this  
I would have the memory to keep  
Let me make a simple wish  
As we fall asleep  
Let me wake with you by my side  
  
Always  
  
If you have to leave me  
Leave me with a kiss  
Tell me how you feel without words  
Are you so afraid to stay  
Must you be alone  
Let me wake with you by my side  
  
Always 


End file.
